I haven’t blogged in several days now. I’ve been keeping my own notes and a rough food diary for each day that has gone, but I have not had the will or desire to sit down at my computer and write. I know that I should though — for no other reason other than writing helps me cope with my anxiety and depression. It’s a way for me to express myself, even if it’s just by positing a recipe or rattling off mundane details of my day.
For this round of the WLC my focus theme was positivity. After such a devastating 2017, coming to terms with the way things are now has involved a lot of work. It hasn’t been easy. I still have some really, really bad days.
This past week had several of them. At one point I found myself curled in bed for almost 2 entire days just crying. I had no energy, enthusiasm, or motivation to do anything else. The only thing I wanted was to be sad and miss my brother. So I did. I was lucky enough to have the time do just let go of everything and focus on myself. I took advantage of that gap in my week’s schedule and took it to mourn.
I couldn’t dwell in that place for long, after all, life’s expectations continue to knock on my door, but I am thankful that I was able to take the time I did.
I was going to go back and type in all my Whole Life Challenge entries for Day 21 – Day 29, but then I thought that the missing days were a better representation of reality.
Days are not perfect.
I am not always brimming with enthusiasm.
Sometimes I don’t feel like doing anything at all — and that’s ok.
A number of people have asked me if I thought it would be a good idea to seek professional help. As a university psychology major and someone who believes in therapy, I know I have that option. However, I think it’s too early. I think that the grief and devastation that I am experiencing over the unexpected death of my brother is normal. I don’t think I need a ‘cure’ for it, nor do I want one. I want to feel this pain right now because that is the only way my expression of love for him can be shown. I don’t want to gloss it over. No. This pain is real and it’s happening and I want to go through it.
I have spent so many years in my past just glossing over events, thinking that I’ll deal with them later. Trauma, PTSD, unresolved relationships … even general happiness … ‘I’ll be happier when I’m thinner.’ ‘I’ll deal with this issue after I come back from vacation.’ ‘I won’t confront them now because it’s not really a good time.’
There’s always an excuse to procrastinate and there’s also the tendency to avoid things that are painful, frightful, and tedious.
Losing my brother has taught me that the time to face issues is now. After all, there is nowhere to hide. No matter where I am or what I’m doing, the pain of this loss in inescapable. I’ve even cried in my sleep and woken up screaming his name.
The truth is, this is my life right now. And I’m ok with that.
I have to admit, one of the main reasons for wanting to go back and fill in the missing days was because I was embarrassed at my failure to keep a consistent log. I felt like I was letting my team down, letting down the rest of the WLC players, and everyone else who reads my blog. Accepting the lack of ‘perfection’ in my blog is also a WLC lesson. Just because I wasn’t able to do something for a few days in a row doesn’t mean that I wasn’t committed to making an effort; it doesn’t mean that I don’t find value in the practice; and most of all, it doesn’t mean that I can’t restart when I’m ready.
So, here I am. Ready to continue to put in the work. I’ve revisited my goals. I’ve made out a plan. Now it’s time to get going.