Every evening around 10 pm, CrossFit St. Albans posts the workout for the next day. At first I thought it was a great idea … you get to see what workout is coming up and you have time to mentally prepare yourself for the upcoming challenge.
That optimistic outlook was short-lived. It all changed when I logged on and saw this:
All I could think was — I can’t do ANY of those exercises? Is there any point in me going? Will I be able to accomplish anything?
These were just a few of the many questions that started whirring through my mind. My heart would start to race and all I could focus on was the possibility of failure.
Needless to say, that’s a very destructive line of thinking. Especially because deep down inside I know that there is no risk of failure. I’ll either try and learn or I’ll succeed. Plus, there’s no way I’ll improve unless I go and practice … knowing all these things, why do I allow myself to get weighed down with self-doubt?
The most frustrating thing for me is that I’ve been working hard. I’ve overcome a lot. Even though I still have a ways to go before reaching my goals, I have still made progress. Why do I doubt myself? I know that I’m only making it harder for myself. Besides, I know I need to give myself credit for seeing those ‘scary’ workouts listed and going anyway … trying anyway … and of course I always leave the CrossFit Box feeling happy and satisfied – knowing that even though it was challenging and I had to do a modified version of the workout or scale it back significantly, I still went. That counts for something, right?
The temptation for me now is to just not look at the workout in the first place. If I’m going to go to the Box anyway, and if I’m going to try, then why stress myself out unnecessarily?
Perhaps this is just part of the process. Looking at the workout; feeling the fear/anxiety; pushing myself to go and try anyway; rising to the challenge; leaving feeling happy that I tried (and knowing that regardless of how the workout may have been scaled, it was still challenging).
I hope that one day I can go from looking at the workout to leaving feeling happy – without the fear/anxiety/stress along the way.
Until then, I’ll keep on lacin’ up and showin’ up!