It’s 9:00 a.m. on March 14th, 2013. My flight was supposed to depart for London at 8:45 a.m., but obviously it’s delayed. The new departure time is 10:30 a.m., so right now I’m sitting in the lounge catching up on commenting on some blogs and also scheduling a few blog posts for while I’m away on this trip.

I’ve got quite a few drafts of blog posts that I’ve written over the past several months. For most of them I’ve forgotten what the post was about. I decided to have a look, so I cliked on this post ‘Confidence’ — before writing anything, I took a look at what I had already written (back in September 2012). So much of it is actually relevant to how I’ve been feeling recently (negative, cranky, frustrated). There are two links that I referred to within the post. I’m so glad I clicked over to them because they were good reminders of how far I’ve come and that even though I have a long way to go – I can do it.

One of the links refers to my time in Mexico when I was invited to deliver my first keynote speech at a conference. That’s quite relevant for me now as I’m getting ready to give another big talk in a few days in Dallas, TX.

In any case, I thought this was a good post to finally publish now. It does worry me that I still have so many of the same concerns – will they ever go away? At the same time, I hope that in a few months time I’ll be able to look back at this post and think once again — look at how far I’ve come.

September 2012

There are some days (many days) when I just feel blah. It all starts with having to get ready to leave the house. Whether I’m going to work, to the gym, to a friend’s house, or just to run errands, figuring out what to wear is a pain … because I still have issues with how I look. The reason why I take so long to get ready is because I don’t like what I see. I feel fat in everything. I’m fiddle with my clothes a lot – not because they don’t fit – but because I just can’t seem to accept the way they look on me. I feel like people stare at me and think, ‘She really should have stayed indoors.’
It’s really tough to struggle with inner voices that cut you up into little pieces (and then the inner, inner thoughts that are jealous of those little pieces and say – you’ll never be that small – you’ll always be chunky pieces) … see what I mean! It’s hard to stop those voices.
I made a major breakthrough after my PhD defense and came to a realization in Mexico that I think was really important to understanding myself more. It’s these small moments that I hope will help me reach the big changes that I desire. I recognize that these voices are negative and bad. They’re not helping me achieve my goals. Yet I cannot deny that they are there. They won’t simply disappear with the snap of my fingers. Still, I think acknowledging that they are there and that they are unhealthy is a good first step. The other major accomplishment is recognizing that I deserve more/better … and that I’m strong enough to reach those goals, no matter how long this discovery process may take.
I think the next step is to tackle these negative voices. I’m pleased that they do not happen as often as before, but they still happen – and I need them to stop. Part of this is linked to behavior. If I want to stop feeling/being fat, then I’ve got to stop acting in ways that will keep me fat – e.g. eating crap and skipping the gym. It’s simple. There’s no point in whining about not losing weight when I’ve just behaved in a way that sabotaged myself by eating crap.
Positive Thoughts + Positive Actions = Positive Outcomes
This is something I have to do for myself. Even if every person in the world said something positive about me, it wouldn’t matter unless I believed it for myself. This belief is what I hope to gain over the next six weeks.
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